I Lead A Normal Life, But There Have Been Moments I Wanted To Kill Myself

And I am not embarrassed about it!

I Lead A Normal Life, But There Have Been Moments I Wanted To Kill Myself

Have you ever felt suicidal? That too on a regular basis.

No, don't give me that look or judge me saying, "Yeh toh paagal hai."

Because at one point or another, the thought has crossed our minds, and unlike you, I have had the guts to say it out loud.

While you might have just contemplated suicide for a micro-second, there are those who fight this battle on a daily basis and continue to live a normal life.

How is it possible you ask? 

What goes in the mind of a person who wants to kill himself?

What goes in the mind of a person who wants to kill himself?

I wake up from the bed, not like the actors shown in our Bollywood films, but all droopy and confused.

Confused and doubtful!


Doubtful about waking up, about going to work, about facing friends and family.

I put on a nice dress because there is a meeting at work. I don't feel like wearing kaajal or lipstick. I used to love dressing up. What is going wrong with me?

I reach work, my boss appreciated my work, I am happy, but that thought is not leaving me.

I have a family get-together at night. I am going to meet my favourite cousins, they are no different from my siblings. I enjoy their company, but my brain has only one thing to say.

I am watching my favourite actor on the silver screen. He is my childhood crush and the film, the music, is just so good, but again my brain pops up with that one statement.


I thought I had pushed that thought away, but it is haunting me once again. It has not been days, but years I have lived with this thought.

Why brain, why are you thinking so much? I want to live, I want to live my life to the fullest, but I am stuck in a limbo.


How is suicide shamed by our society?

How is suicide shamed by our society?

There is no specific reason that leads people to end their lives in the most unfortunate way. It could be a break-up, loss of job, unchanging financial crisis, but what binds them together is the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.

Taking that plunge, hurting yourself in the manner that you don't wake up again is the scariest moment of one's life. It is not as easy or thrilling as portrayed in the movies.

Seek therapy. Talk to people.

It does help, and many people even manage to survive and lead a happy life after therapy, but many times it doesn't. However, there are people who don't even know that they are suffering from depression. Because in India, seeking a psychiatrist's help is considered a taboo and not to forget that there are people who can't afford therapy.

Paagal, we call them. And tease the person, because we don't understand what they feel.

Cling to that hope

Cling to that hope

Yes, suicide is an option, but it is not the only option.

Unfortunately, we fail to accept the fact that we are not okay because we are expected to be happy and jolly all the time, whether we want or not.


It is perfectly normal not to be okay. Life, as is said, is not going to be easy, fighting battles isn't either. Facing that criticism, the burden of expectations is a battle in itself. However, you are the master of your mind, and you CAN WIN THIS BATTLE. Just don't give up so soon.

Have you heard people say, you are born to do something? Well, that something is to keep YOURSELF happy.

Disclaimer: This article is written with the intent to spread awareness about depression and suicide, and is an extension of personal experience.
Cover image source: Gemma Magazine

Have you ever tried to commit suicide?